Recover your Marriage - 4 Principles That Can Stupendify Your Relationship
Stu talks about why everyone can benefit from the principles of recovery.
Stu talks about why everyone can benefit from the principles of recovery.
For our Marriages, there are 4 big principles (+1 more) that can help change the dynamic in your marriage:
Surrendering To God
Sharing Your Brokenness Honestly
Making Restitution for the Hurts You Have Caused
Getting the Guidance of God
And a Bonus:
Serving others
What do you think? Have you tried any of these in your marriage?
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Transcript
Well hello there!
welcome to the stupendous marriage podcast my name is Stu Gray so glad you are here today.
Talking about something today that's really close to my heart and I just
wanted to share it with you see if it might be beneficial for your
relationship - your marriage.
and here's my core thought: I believe that recovery is good for anybody and everybody.
now. I've been in recovery circles, I was part of an anonymous program, I'm now
part of a Christian recovery group... and I believe that the things that are taught
in recovery are super super beneficial for not just those who have compulsions
or addictive behaviors but for anybody and everybody.
let me tell you why you may not know anything about the original alcoholic
synonymous group or any of the anonymous groups that have developed out of that or anything like celebrate recovery and there are other great recovery programs out there, but original AA came from a group called "the Oxford Group" back in the 20s and 30s it was led by a Lutheran Pastor named Frank Buchman.
Before it was called the Oxford Group it was actually called "a first century Christian Fellowship".
So these were not official church members they didn't have buildings or anything like that ,but they would get together and this Lutheran Pastor Frank Buchman would teach these principles of Jesus.
He really believed in life change he was teaching the principles of Jesus the
thoughts of Jesus but he said that anybody could apply these principles and
change their lives for the better so in all of that the first two founders of
A.A were part of the Oxford Group they decided that they just wanted to work
with alcoholics and not General Life
change for people and I've done all this
reading about Alcoholics Anonymous and
other recovery groups and it's really
not too relevant for the conversation
today other than the thought that I have
come to is that everybody could benefit
from using these principles in their
lives and their marriages and so I've
boiled it down to four you know usually
in Anonymous programs there are 12 steps
and these are the original four big
Concepts that were taught in the Oxford
Group and kind of brought into alcoholic
synonymous and then into other 12-step
programs and I think if you go with me
on this that you might find some benefit
for your marriage the four principles
are first of all surrender two is
sharing three making restitution
for guidance there's actually a bonus
principle that we're going to talk about
too but let me get into these first one
surrender we like to try to manage
things in our lives right we think we
have the best solutions for every
problem out there and what the Oxford
Group and then the original alcoholic
synonymous groups taught is that life is
unmanageable we can't do this without
turning it over to God but first we have
to believe that God exists that he cares
about us that he wants things to be
different in our lives and that he
actually has the power to make things
different so it's a difference between
self-management and God management of
our lives and in our context it should
be are we trying to manage our own
marriage or are we giving our marriage
over to God are we surrendering over
everything to God because a lot of times
it's like my way or her way and we get
caught right we stop well I'm not going
to give in because she wants this or I'm
not going to give in he wants this in
that there's a problem we're not giving
it over to God it's not just my way or
her way is there a Best Way is there a
god way can we surrender whatever the
situation is over to God and we have to
surrender all of our life our past our
present and our future every situation
we like to try to manage it right and we
try to hold on and we try to get through
it and it just doesn't work very well we
have to accept other people we have have
to accept that we don't have all of the
answers for everything
surrendering means managing our
expectations giving up our right to be
right it means giving up our control of
others in certain situations in our
lives so that's the first big principle
of surrendering Our Lives to God second
principle is sharing and this one can be
a little freaky right I call this owning
your crap it's acknowledging that in my
Brokenness I have done things wrong I
have made a mess of things it's working
on my own stuff my own triggers figuring
out what they are and then the scary
part is actually sharing that with
another person in recovery groups you
share it with your sponsor right and if
you decide to do this process if you
apply these four big principles to your
life most of the work you can do
yourself but this sharing thing back and
forth should probably be done if you're
gonna share some big things I should
probably be done with a counselor
present a pastor or if you're in a
recovery program maybe your sponsors or
your mentors are there if you've got
people who are speaking into your life
in church but really what you're doing
is looking at where you've been
dishonest in your life where you have
been impure in your thoughts in your
actions where you've been selfish and
where you've been fearful you haven't
been living out of love you've been
acting in fear you really look at those
big areas you write them down and then
you share them in the context of our
marriage you'd share them with one
another now before I got into recovery I
tried to do this I did a lot of
apologizing to Lisa and I just
spewed stuff all over her and really
hurt her heart a lot and she tried to be
my accountability person for a long time
and it just didn't work that's why I
suggest getting a pastor getting a
counselor if you decide to go to some
sort of Recovery Group having your
sponsors or mentors sit with you during
this process we're supposed to speak the
truth in love and sometimes if you go
into gory details of everything that you
have done in your life it can be
overwhelming maybe you do this in
Seasons again this is the principle that
can be really really scary but
confession is a prerequisite to change
in our lives that's what they really
believed in the Oxford Group in
Alcoholics Anonymous we've got to
confess our sins one to another pray for
each other so that we may be healed yeah
James 5 16 actually works and there's a
great quote from one of the Oxford Group
books it was this it says a love which
dies because one confesses with honest
motives a misdeed to the other is not
worth having and any love which can
Embrace Mutual honesty is very near to
the ideal which God had for men and
women when God ordained marriage we like
to keep secrets right none of us are
above Brokenness we all come into our
marriage as busted and you know if we're
being perfectly honest we're probably
hiding some things it may not be big
things but there's probably something
somewhere where you've been dishonest
you've been impure you've been selfish
you've been fearful and those things
cause boundaries in your relationship
living above board and getting honest
getting pure getting selfless and
getting loving is really important to
your relationship
all right moving on to the third big
principle the word is restitution right
and just means restoring what is lost
once you have realized that you've had
these problems you've been hiding you've
been dishonest you've been impure and
selfish well you try to live differently
you apologize for the things you've done
you offer forgiveness to others who have
hurt you and you ask for forgiveness man
sometimes I don't like to ask for
forgiveness I like to be mad for a while
maybe you're like me maybe you like to
be mad for a while it feels good
unfortunately to be mad and that's it
just doesn't work right if you keep
holding on to your herds it just isn't a
good thing overall in this restitution
you don't just apologize you just don't
forgive you actually change your
behavior you move from remorse to actual
repentance remorse is like oh man I did
wrong but you keep doing the same thing
repentance is like oh man I did wrong
and you actually change your behaviors
going for forward so we've talked about
surrendering our lives and our
relationships to God sharing honestly
where we've been dishonest impure
selfish and fearful in our lives in our
marriage and then making restitution for
that offering forgiveness asking for
forgiveness for the things that we have
done and then this one is a good one
it's called guidance the folks who came
from the first century Christian
Fellowship which became the Oxford Group
then became Alcoholics Anonymous they
really believed in sitting down and
listening for what God was saying in
their specific situation their morning
devotions were filled with Bible reading
and prayer and then they would all as a
group it was husbands and wives at the
time they would sit there and take five
or six minutes and write down well God
if you were going to talk to me what
would you say they would write down the
thoughts that they felt that they were
hearing and then they would judge them
by the scriptures and by the group well
do you feel like God was actually
telling me to do this sometimes they
would get like the list of things to do
for the day sometimes it would be asking
for forgiveness from someone or going to
meet someone and asking for forgiveness
from them or paying them back for the
money that they had stolen from them it
was all sorts of different types of
directions that they felt God was
guiding them to do really being led by
God and I I feel this principle of
guidance is really tied to surrender
right because if we believe God exists
that he has a plan for our lives and a
power to change our lives it would just
lead to the fact that he would actually
speak to us and you know being a person
of faith we do believe that God speaks
to us through the scriptures through
other people through thoughts and that's
why they were writing down these
thoughts and then bouncing them off of
other people and bouncing them off of
scripture to make sure that they really
were in line with Biblical thought
processes all right so this extra bonus
principle I think is also very very
important for your marriage and that's
serving people in community Unity right
you can't do things alone in this world
we have to learn how to help other
people and get out of our own
selfishness get out of our way the best
way to do that is serving other people
you can do it individually you can also
do it together as a couple find
somewhere in your church where you can
serve it's a good thing to do Serve the
People down your street you know have a
potluck have people over find people to
be in relationship with and if they're
having their own issues maybe talk about
your stuff in your marriage which might
make it safe for them to share their own
issues a lot of times we feel like we're
all alone in this big bad World nobody
else is going through the same thing we
are it's just not true all of us are
broken and battered and bruised we don't
like to admit it but if we can be honest
first it opens a door to conversation
there's a great C.S Lewis quote that I
love from his book The Four loves and it
goes something like this friendship is
born at the moment when one man says to
another what you two I thought I was the
only one
when you surrender your life and your
relationship over to God completely you
share honestly and openly about your
feelings and where you have been
dishonest and pure selfish and fearful
in your relationship you make
restitution you offer apologies you ask
for forgiveness you give forgiveness to
your spouse then you ask for guidance
from God and then you serve other people
it can make a night and day difference
in your relationship and your life so
what do you think about these principles
today any of those kind of scary any of
those really resonate with you would
love to hear from you you can always
send us a tweet on Twitter (which I think
is now X ) @StuGray... you can find me
there, or look for @stupendusDuo on
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from you - talk to you soon!
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