Do these 3 Things BEFORE you get married!

I hurt. 
And that’s an understatement.

I spent the better part of Saturday tilling, weeding and planting a garden with my wife and our next door neighbors. We decided to make it a “community thing” this year so all the kids could experience the joy of having a garden.

The problem is, I’m a creative kind of guy, not a physical labor kind of guy. 
I spend my days behind a keyboard and a microphone.

I’m lucky I’m able to type, due to the bulging blisters that made my neighbor wince.

Sowing Into Your Marriage

After much digging, weeding and making lines in dirt, we eventually made it to planting.

And the comment was made:

“Wow, it’s amazing how much preparation and time you have to take to get the dirt ready. Then you plant, and within minutes you’re done.”

In our culture, the “preparing part” — the “getting the dirt ready” — of a marriage, seems to be about the wedding celebration, more than planning for a successful marriage.

We spend lots of money and time on the penguin suits and puffy white dresses. Cakes, champagne, the guests, where the service will be, and the after party.

A lot of work for just a few hours of time.

Often, couples spend more time and energy preparing for the wedding than preparing for the marriage.

What would happen if you actually prepared for your marriage, not just the wedding? You’d have a stronger, longer lasting bond with your mate, that wouldn’t blow up at the first sign of a potential problem.

In order to prepare for your marriage — not just the wedding day — here’s 3 things you can do:

1. Have your money under control

Money is a tool. 
In our marriages, we have to be on the same page about how it’s used.

It’s critical that you set guidelines about money.

• Who will pay the bills?
• How much money will you spend without “checking in” with your mate? ($100?…$300…$25?)
• How will you make decisions about big expenses?
• Do you know how to budget?
• Do you have common goals and language around your money?
• Do you believe that the money both of you make will become “yours together as a couple” or stay “separate”? Why or why not?
• What are the differences between you and your fiancé regarding money?

Lisa and I took a financial class early in our relationship that changed the way we think and talk about money together. We recommend the same for every couple — so you have a common terms and language around your money.

2. Learn to communicate well

Speaking of language…Learn how to communicate effectively with your future spouse.

It’s something we had to (and still do) work on — for most, it doesn’t come naturally.

• Read a book about marriage (there are hundreds). Talk about it together.
• Know how your fiancé reacts to “difficult conversations” (ie. arguments). Do they get louder? Do they retreat? Do they freeze?
• Most arguments in marriage are perpetual (unsolvable and long term). How will you deal with unsolvable issues together?
• Do you know how to express your expectations? Do you know how to adjust your expectations when they aren’t met?
• Do you know what it means to forgive…over and over and over…and still love someone when they hurt you?
• Do you know how to ask for forgiveness, and take responsibility when you mess up and unintentionally hurt your mate?

When you learn that good communication is about understanding and not just getting your point across, your relationship will get stronger.

3. Get a Relationship With God

The foundation of a strong marriage is one that includes a faith in something and someone bigger than you.

Our pastor made a great statement a while back: “You don’t know who you are, until you know who God is.”

If you get your identity from your past, your occupation, your family of origin, your spouse, or yourself…Your marriage will be much more difficult than it needs to be.

I heard it said that there are two types of people. Those who believe they ARE God…and those that are humble enough to know they AREN’T.

Whatever faith system you follow— it gives you a leg up on those who have no faith in anything beyond themselves.

When you believe that you aren’t the center of the universe — it helps you maintain humility. You can have an easier time believing there’s more to life than just YOU and your needs being met. (Which isn’t always the easiest thing to do — even if you ARE a person of faith).

Photo by leah hetteberg on Unsplash

As a couple journeying toward marriage — make sure you take time to sow into your future marriage — not just your wedding day.

Be intentional with your fiancé.

Talk about money, how you communicate, and what role faith will play in your relationship.

It will make a world of difference in your marriage!